A Suicidal Note

To Boddah

Speaking from the tongue of an experienced simpleton
who obviously would rather be an emasculated, infantile complain-ee.
This note should be pretty easy to understand.

All the warnings from the punk rock 101 courses over the years,
since my first introduction to the, shall we say,
ethics involved with independence and
the embracement of your community has proven to be very true.

I haven’t felt the excitement of listening to as well as
creating music along with reading and writing
for too many years now.
I feel guity beyond words about these things.

For example when we’re back stage and the lights go out
and the manic roar of the crowds begins.,
it doesn’t affect me the way in which it did for Freddie Mercury,
who seemed to love, relish in the the love and adoration
from the crowd which is something I totally admire and envy.

The fact is, I can’t fool you, any one of you. It simply isn’t fair to you or me.
The worst crime I can think of would be to rip people off
by faking it and pretending as if I’m having 100% fun.
Sometimes I feel as if I should have a punch-in time clock before I walk out on stage.
I’ve tried everything within my power to appreciate it (and I do, God, believe me I do, but it’s not enough).

I appreciate the fact that I and we have affected and entertained a lot of people. It must be one of those narcissists who only appreciate things when they’re gone. I’m too sensitive. I need to be slightly numb in order to regain the enthusiasms I once had as a child.

On our last 3 tours, I’ve had a much better appreciation for all the people I’ve known personally, and as fans of our music, but I still can’t get over the frustration, the guilt and empathy I have for everyone. There’s good in all of us and I think I simply love people too much, so much that it makes me feel too fucking sad. The sad little, sensitive, unappreciative, Pisces, Jesus man. Why don’t you just enjoy it? I don’t know!

I have a goddess of a wife who sweats ambition and empathy and a daughter who reminds me too much of what i used to be, full of love and joy, kissing every person she meets because everyone is good and will do her no harm. And that terrifies me to the point to where I can barely function. I can’t stand the thought of Frances becoming the miserable, self-destructive, death rocker that I’ve become.

I have it good, very good, and I’m grateful, but since the age of seven, I’ve become hateful towards all humans in general. Only because it seems so easy for people to get along that have empathy. Only because I love and feel sorry for people too much I guess.

Thank you all from the pit of my burning, nauseous stomach for your letters and concern during the past years. I’m too much of an erratic, moody baby! I don’t have the passion anymore, and so remember, it’s better to burn out than to fade away.

Peace, love, empathy.
Kurt Cobain

Frances and Courtney, I’ll be at your alter.
Please keep going Courtney, for Frances.
For her life, which will be so much happier without me.

I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU!

Suggested read : Kurt Donald Cobain, 1967-1994

Suggested rythm : Nirvana – Smells Like Teen Spirit

10 Responses to A Suicidal Note

  1. alex October 4, 2006 at 7:21 pm #

    “better to burn out than to fade away.”

    Yeah true.

    Man can be destroyed but not defeated.-Ernest Hemingway

  2. b v n October 4, 2006 at 10:51 pm #

    yeah,(was hemingway our textbook ?)…btw the old man never committed suicide in the boat…kurt defeated himself…but who knows :))

  3. Maya Cassis October 4, 2006 at 10:51 pm #

    awww man!

  4. b v n October 4, 2006 at 11:00 pm #

    maya, did i break the bad news?kurt is dead [sobs] :))

  5. alex October 5, 2006 at 3:00 am #

    BVN,
    Ya we had to do ‘old man and the sea’ for our boards. 🙂

    But, i used to carry a dislike. Now i would enjoy it. Still have the book. Need to read it. 🙂

    I enjoy Nirvana. Beautiful and trippy!

  6. Ash October 9, 2006 at 10:37 am #

    Oh my god!

  7. Enemy of the Republic October 17, 2006 at 9:01 pm #

    In our country, a lot of people called Kurt a coward. They had no ideas the demons that were traveling in his head. I hope he is at peace. I still mourn for him.

  8. b v n October 17, 2006 at 10:44 pm #

    Ash, peace 🙂

    EOTR, me too…every word of this note makes sense 🙁

  9. Bombay Dosti October 23, 2006 at 1:45 pm #

    absolutely intense…. donno if he defeated himself… his thoughts are just his…. and therefore the consequences, which only he can unnderstand in its entirety

  10. b v n October 24, 2006 at 6:10 am #

    yup…thats true too

    they say suicide with a rational conviction is worth it…then who knows 🙂

Leave a Reply

free hit counter