And All that jazz

Folks, what can I tell you
about my next guest?

This cat allowed himself
to be adored, but not loved.

And his success in show business
was matched by failure in his personal-relationship bag.
Now that’s where he really bombed.

And he came to believe that work,show business, love,
his whole life,even himself, and all that jazz, was bullshit.

He became numero uno game player, to the point where he didn’t know
where the games ended and reality began.

Like, to this cat, the only reality…
is death, man.

All that work. All that glitter. All that pain.
All that love. All that crazy rhythm.
All that jazz.

Three days in the hot tropical sun and one night of outright madness in the beach – I was tired.I could feel fluids stagnating and clotting all over the upper body ; part awake after a long thirteen hour half-naked sleep. Cursed myself for not getting milk – it was t minus twenty to reach office – and I’d made the tea very strong. The air-conditioner seemed to be blowing ice, it was chilling. I took a few sips standing outside in the sun and then drowned the elachi and tea in one gulp – something tickled and I ran to the wash.

Anger

It all came out. Washed my face saying ‘what the ‘. Then again it all came out – some of it colourless, some very colourful .Then again – and again. I could feel some great strain below the rib cage as if I was about to burst – the neck veins tightened. I was all anger – it was the other day builder and me prided on how healthy we were and here I am kneeling down there, my head in the basin ,arms clutching some support. It all cleared up in a while – as it always does.

Denial

I got out , lit a cigarette – time to run. I realized my hands were shaking uncontrollably, some emptiness and pain in the lower ab ,couldn’t smoke – I let go the lights. The sun was all yellow – everything was yellow .I could smell some ancient pain balm in my breath or was it amrutanjan balm – it was years since I touched that – some ancient smell from across years – oh it was amrutanjan,I’m sure. This cant be me, I’m not the one supposed to be sitting in this sofa defeated and spreadeagled. All light and empty and falling…naah…not me.

Bargaining

The living room is reeling, everything inside is clogged, face down on the leather I closed my eyes. I cant die now,God ,I cant. What about that big project I’m doing, oh I know its not big but still. But my career and all those things I’ve planned to do, those good times we were planning to have . See my family, all my friends what will happen to them, Oh I know life goes on but still. God I’ll change – I promise. I’ll sleep on time, probably quit smoking – no I’ll quit ,quit completely , I’ll eat well God, I wont swear , I wont be sarcastic all the time – fuck, gimme one chance, just one – no I wont swear again – I promise. Please God, I pray.

Depression

Its all dark, its grey. I hear the air-conditioner rumble.I’m very uncomfortable and heavy ,its humid. I’m sad. I’m not talking anymore.

Acceptance

The darkness cleared, its some light. My breath is normal. I’m just floating.I’m not sad anymore, not happy either. I’m comfortably numb. I’m dead.

And in that sleep of death,what dreams may come !

I cant do anything right.Nothing deep enough.Nothing funny enough.I look at a sunset,its so perfect. I look at her and ask- How did you do it,why cant I do it God. If I were God and once in a while I think I am – there wont be death, no one will die. But rest of the time I live in fear of all this ending and that dreadful possibility of mediocrity – that I might be ordinary not special.

Let me explain the ambience of the post , its two hours past midnight, outside its autumn – inside its the freezing chill of the ac -I’m sick and I suspect I’m dead, ‘jaanaki jaane‘ is repeating on the laptop – I’m too lazy to switch it off and I’m dead too. I’m reading something and watching tv too. Suddenly Fermina Daza with a mere wave of her arm ends all her enchantment with Florentino Ariza. I threw the book away. A movie is starting on tv . At the end of two long hours I’m rattled. I’m still confused why I havent seen ‘All that jazz’ before – this post is the movie itself.

In between all this jazz,
I have a small question for you – Does God exist ?

If you are one of those blondes who smile and say
God is about loving others,
get the hell outta here – others stay.
Now,If your answer is yes
have you tried talking to him at least once in the past few years ?
I’m not talking about meditating or imagining a face or crying out ‘Holy dad’
when you see Jessica Alba on tv and ending the chat there.
I meant serious conversation
What language did you talk to God in ?

14 Responses to And All that jazz

  1. Anonymous October 13, 2006 at 10:03 am #

    Are you talking about the God that send Katrina? Or the one that gave lukemia to this 25 yr old smart promising gentle man i know? Oh ….. you may say its the God who just saved you after the “movie” ..

    I am convinced, if there is anything like God, there are a couple of them. All trying to prove their omipotence. and they must be speaking Sanskrit or some of those arcane languages we no more understand.

    NJ

  2. b v n October 13, 2006 at 10:48 am #

    Peace buddy πŸ™‚ peace

    sorry abt yr friend,thats sad.
    what i was trying to say here was, a lot of us try to make contact with this dude only when we are in reely bad trouble *yrs truly included* …thats like once in what two three yrs. At that point how do you talk – in which language ? language tht you blog with or yr mother tounge or what *you’re lucky that god is a mallu GUY* but try this talking part,its fun πŸ™‚ *yu can type to god but can’t talk to him – thts the problem*.I’m a budding linguist πŸ™‚

    then if God cant create a disease which he cant cure – how come he’s omnipotent :)*omnipotence paradox*

    btw god is there…long white robes…long white beard..i’ve seen on tv and you better make peace with him

    ciao

  3. neermathalam October 13, 2006 at 1:27 pm #

    u r tagged….dear…
    will read the post and comment…
    later..seems that it is about my favourite topic GOD

  4. Ash October 16, 2006 at 3:22 am #

    πŸ™‚

  5. Velu October 16, 2006 at 4:45 pm #

    I wont utter a word, or so I thought; once I was through your long post, that litreally slapped me back into my senses, and to think I was here just after being at Thonnyaksharam, having gone through ur latest post there… just a bit of coincidence maybe. and here I am wanting to say a 100 things of being there and seen it all, the darkness, the emptiness, the nausea, the daylight after….

    but i guess it doesnt make much of a difference. and as for god…

  6. b v n October 16, 2006 at 11:56 pm #

    Neermathalam, will take up the tag on my other blog.will do and thanks πŸ™‚

    ash, :)))

    Velu, its exhausting πŸ™‚ and for God…? :))

  7. Neers October 17, 2006 at 6:06 am #

    IT does!! but stop blaming IT for everything…

  8. chandu October 17, 2006 at 3:28 pm #

    phew! πŸ™‚

  9. Jiby October 17, 2006 at 6:23 pm #

    i had left this post to read later…only now found the time. its funny to be seeing this at at time when i am having my wrangles with faith…everyone keeps telling me, go to church, that is why ur troubled, and all that stuff!

    yeah i agree, i dont pray but the moment i feel in danger i say, Oh God…i dont understand that…maybe its drilled in somewhere. was watching anbe shivam the other day and that had a refreshing perspective of god to offer there.

    love the way you write man!

  10. Enemy of the Republic October 17, 2006 at 9:01 pm #

    Wow. I am speechless. This is just great.

  11. starry nights October 18, 2006 at 4:54 am #

    Sometimes I am disillusioned with god and am angry, then I have to believe there is some one above looking out for me.

  12. Dr O2 October 18, 2006 at 5:16 am #

    well b v n, we are all gods of our own & as useless as we sometimes feel, the world needs all of us to play our role. Perhaps only to keep it’s cosmic balance!

    & hey who says God is the wisest of all?? πŸ˜‰

  13. b v n October 18, 2006 at 6:06 am #

    Neers, πŸ™‚ *stupid sidewards smiley,as if i got the comment :)*

    chandu, πŸ™‚

    jiby, i agree its ingrained and its not so bad at times πŸ™‚ *anbe sivam is one beautiful idea – not that i believe but i do admire as you do*
    my real doubt was the language we use *literally* is it malayalam or some other tounge – its a block man,really

    EOTR, thank you pal πŸ™‚

    starry, must be some alien πŸ™‚ *oh i’m kidding*

    Dr O2, true true doc πŸ™‚ *btw what lang do you talk to yourself “god” in – english or persian?*

  14. Neers October 19, 2006 at 2:35 am #

    πŸ™‚ you!!!

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