Five Days in Texas


Day I

Evening flight, lousy airline and an orange level security alert. On board Continental to Houston, the airline sucks, it sucks like mammooty in ‘Ezhupunna Tharakan‘ and all his other movies. Only aspect they score above other fleets is the ticket price, I got a ‘deal’ but still there were cracks in my jockey. The flight is as noisy as a pressure cooker and dude, they charge you for the headphone, now you know.

I got the window seat and was waiting for the inchi mittai‘ seller to come by when this scrawny little kid in the next seat showed off his new video game. I wanted to tell the chimp that its no X-Box and to just shut the fuck up, but then there was this mammal in the third seat – his mother. So I just said “Ok fine”.

The thing I noticed was how mammals manipulate kids. She made the tiny thing to do so much of crap stuff, like saying ‘thank you’ to the air hostess. I never thank the air hostess, would anyone thank an auto-driver every time he takes a turn. C’mon, I dont think so.

I struck a pretty good conversation with the mother after she said she lived in Houston for twenty-three years as I was already suspicious of Houston being the lousiest place in the free world. She said she was a professional mid-wife. I said ‘God Bless America’.

me : “whats interesting in Houston”

she : “well…..[five minutes of silence]…you have the space station here”

me : [wanted to tell her the space station was up in space] I know there is a NASA here but I’ve been to Canaveral launchpad…what else is there

she : “well…” [plane landed]

I stood outside the airport wondering why we choose lousy Houston for a five day vacation. If I were Jack Nicholson there was abs-fuckin-lutely nothing in the fourth largest city of US. Then the guys came.

Well, it all started with this email invitation which none of us could possibly resist,

From : Appi
To : me, laddu, ammavan and froz

Kazhuverikale

Varumbol avananu venda saadhanangal kondu vannonam….

Bed sheet… pillow…. Jattithorthumuthalaayavapinne tharayil churundu koodi konam….. ONNUM IVIDE NINNU PRATHEEKSHIKANDA!!!

Pinneavanavante saadhanangal matrame ivide ninnu kondu pokaavoo….

Ithil ethelum karyathil ethirpullavar thamasathil hotel soukaryam erapaadu cheythekanam…. Ente veetil kaalu kuthanda….. souhrida vichedanathinu vare thayyaar!!!!

Thanks,
Appi

Translated as

[Hey Guys!!

We proudly host your Thanks giving BLAST ‘06 in wild wild TEXAS!!!
A warm welcome to you all!!!
We would try to make our first big gathering in US as memorable and joyous as possible!!!
So…. Guys!!!! BUCKLE UP AND GET READY FOR THE KILL!!!

Cheers,
Appi ]

At Appi’s place, after he lost his way seventeen times in the traffic, it was a blast. Ammavan and he had beef curry in the stove and tandoori chicken in the grill. All my doubts about five days in Houston just vanished in a second. Beef curry man – holy cow curry – I knelt before the spicy smell and gave one elaborate mexx-salute. That was the best thing anybody did to me in US. The surprises did not end there, to go with the JohnnyWalker we had packs and packs of Goldflake Kings. Goldflake guys, pure, ‘nadanGoldflake in the US of A. If that is not sex, then what is sex.

I had this initial doubt that Froz maybe a mammooty or Dileep fan, but he turned out to be a big Mohanlal fan with utter contempt for everyone else. At six in the morning after 1750 ml of scotch, all venugopal and mohanlal hits, all possible bad words laddu could come up with [his life’s motto is “enne paranja njanum parayum“] and a small skirmish over Jim Morrison’s lyrics we went to sleep. No, we watched ‘Summer in Bethlehem’.

Oh the way Froz trashes Dileep in every possible chance, Kavya Madhavan will commit suicide if she hears Froz. Oops ! its Manju Warrier , then I’m drunk. I don’t believe Froz, there is nothing going on between Kavya and Dileep, they just make a good pair, then I’m drunk.

Day II

After gallons of orange juice I could stand. Appi suggested we checkout the mallu food joints and we set out for this lousy mallu joint with a lousier ammachi serving food. Laddu jumped on the mallu newspaper there and instictively went to the arson, elopement and rape columns but was pretty pissed off as there werent many. The place was bad, but food was mind blowing with sambhar and pulissery and beef and ‘fish with kodampuli‘ and chicken. I nearly burst after the raid and couldn’t move an inch. Went back home, watched “Lelam” and slept. Felt like heaven, literally.

Dhoom II – was that Ash’s spinster party ? I slept five times and hell, there was no pop-corn to disturb others. I felt like crying “kalanjittu podi“, then all sardars around were laughing at the chopra kid.

Late night joints are costly affairs, but laddu got this thanksgiving deal and made the most of it. Little said the better. I wanted to tell him that a women scorned is the worst thing I know of, but then we dont talk girls off late.

I was dozing off when Ammavan ran in and said Mullaperiyar dam might break any second. I waited for three seconds and dozed off again. Too tired.

Day III

Clueless to hilt on what to do and pretty pissed off with all tamils. It was time Nayanthara made it clear whom she stood with on the Mullaperiyar issue. I suggested we go to the museum of fine arts, Froz, the hypocrite agreed, Ammavan and Laddu were sleeping and had no opinion – not that they’ll have any otherwise. Appi had this wry smile on his face, he said oru podikku adangu chellaa . So me, “the plan-man” came with the super idea of visiting the Zoo. Yeah ! fifth standard composition material. Guys literally jumped on it, it was almost a decade since we’ve been to zoo. The very idea of watching kurinchan, yana and singham [chimp, elephant and lion ] made us jump with joy.

On the way we posed in front of the most desired mallu celebrity’s dance school. Ok, you guessed it right – Divya Unni’s dance school. Dream come true.


If you get a chance, never take the toy train in Houston Zoo. Its so embarrassing. The five of us were by nature, shouting “kooi kooi” when the train went inside the tunnel and small kids were looking at us with sheer contempt. It was so embarrassing.

Then at the Downtown aquarium, the best I’ve been to, we were looking for ayala, chala, neymeen et all but couldn’t find any.

I pointed at the stingray and said ” this is the fish that killed Steve Irwin
Ammavan : “who is Steve Irwin ?”
me : “hey that croc hunter”
Ammavan : ” what hunter ?”
I kept all my guns and swords at his feet and surrendered [unconditionally]

Then he is from the Sainik school, proper Army material. Can’t expect more. May be they could make him Brigadier or something.

Another four hours in downtown. Oh man, Houston Downtown sucks like watching a non-pirated mammooty movie.

Day IV

Enroute to Galveston we went to temple. Laddu’s idea was to lynch Froz inside the temple saying he was muslim, but that didn’t workout as many firangees were also there. There were many gods in the temple, few that I knew and a few new tamil and gult gods. Appi as usual was praying for good food. Something like daivame rakshikane, innum nalla bhakshanam kittane, biriyaniyum chicken curryum kittaneyumm .Dude was quite happy after they served food at the temple – vegetarian offcourse. I wonder when Hindus will stop being Jains.

After all the sins were washed away, we played the 20 questions game with mallu movie characters,

Froz thought of Murali’s Shekaran from “Pathram
I thought of Pavanai from “Naadodikattu
Appi thought of Kasargod Kadarbhai
Ammavan thought of Ravuther from “Vietnam colony”

and I got mightily pissed off when Laddu thought of Appoos from “Pappayude swantham Appoos“. What a deliberately stupid choice. I did “cuttis” and ended our friendship.


Galveston was fun with a supposedly horror movie in huge IMAX, and a nice cruise with margaritas and hotdogs. Appi and laddu went ice skating on the ring and fell down at every three feet , I’ve never laughed so much in recent years. Its great to see your enemies on slippery ice, its a riot – guaren-fuckin-teed according to Jack Nicholson.

Christmas had come early to Texas, the ambience was awesome with carols and the chilly wind with a smell of fresh pop-corn everywhere. We did what everyone does on chilly christmas nights – played chess on the big roadside board. Appi lost despite my support, even if Karpov helped him he would have lost.

Appi : “I’m moving the pawn”
me : “please move the horse dude”
Appi : “NO, I’m afraid of horses”
me : “ok then cuttis…lets end the frienship now”

It was fun when some mallu doctor came and asked Ammavan “Are are the kids studying ?”

appol Ammavan : ” No we are working”
appol Mallu Doctor “Ooops, I was talking about the kids, you are one of them ?”

Jokes apart Ammavan is the most mature guy in our group with a great mush under his nose. He is as mature as Baby Shalini when she used to act with Mammooty and Seema. But he is the rock on which our clueless group is built, a rock-star in certain ways.

On the way back, Appi locked the car with the keys inside. Another itema number from Appi’s stables. We were in the middle of some hostile texan highway on a chilly night with no clue what to do. Houston, we had a problem. Somehow, appollo came back home. Praise the lord, the owner of this blog!

Day V

Last day, nobody is talking much, we know its time to go. Five days went so fast and the guys are not the type that hug and cry, so its tough and humid. It was sad in the sense that we dont get to meet each other so often, I was meeting Laddu almost after two years, its even sadder ’cause this dude and me used to go out every single day to the temple to see the chicks and catch some fresh smoke. Now when we say “appo kanam“, it really doesn’t mean much.

Everybody has got different ways to cheer up, my grandmother used to read Ramayanam kilipattu, George Bush goes fishing and WE , watch our greatest feudal lord Mangalassery Neelakantan defeat Mundakkal Shekaran. So it was Mohanlal back to back on Devasuram and Ravanaprabhu.How I wish Mammooty played Shekaran.


Houston is a bird watchers paradise for bird watchers, for the other bird watchers – welcome to Miami Beach.

Shopping was a debacle and humiliating too. They need to have separate rooms for mens and ladies stuff, like rest-rooms. In US otherwise its tough. Van Heusen, are you listening ?

Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan. Not only do I reccomend the movie, I’m planning to remake it in malayalam, not now, after selling all my father’s properties – like Tony Kurisinkal.

For those of you in US, go to Chili’s and check out El Nino cocktail . Its tequila on orange juice, the drink rocks. There was this lady on the opposite table, drinking alone, fidgeting with her mobile and makeup kit. Sure women are more free in US, but they are still chained to fidgeting with the mobile . Hick!

Day VI

Appi’s car wouldn’t start, itema again ! Mad rush to George Bush International on a crappy cab. Hey, next to the airport is the holiest spot in Texas,no not Corpus Christi – office of Halliburton inc. I bent down, drew a cross and hailed anti-christ.

On the return flight there was this columbian girl, crying for food all the while

she : “dont they give any food in the plane”
me : “they gave you something right”
she : “just peanuts”
me : “didn’t have dinner ?”
she : [silent]
me : “you’re studying in miami
she : “no i’m working”
me : “where ?”
she : “i’m working in miami
me : ok [fine dont tell, everybody knows what columbians do – they sell cocaine]

if the girl doesn’t talk, profile her race. oh Huntington…machaa.

she : “can you close the window shutter?”
me : “No, I have this vomiting tendency..hehe
she : [blank look] please

c’mon she didn’t get it, I wanted to tell her 77% of all columbians are dumb.then she would have told me she is in the other 12 %. She was so dumb. I fell asleep and dreamt of “Pothen Vava” flopping and Mammooty quitting acting. Dumbo woke me up in the middle, she wanted the window seat for taking photo while landing.

me : “but don’t jump out”
she : “no I wont” and laughed

thank God ! she got it this time. The whole flight and three hundred dollars was worth the smile.

Overall an uneventful trip but worth it. Its just that you can travel to the lousiest places in the world with some very special people. Its not really about where or how far you go or what all you see, but about whom you travel with. Appi,Laddu, Ammavan and Froz just made it happen. By the way, let me introduce ourselves, we go back a long time, without exaggerations we are good friends. We imitate each other a lot in our daily lives,should I say more. Back in Florida, Abrupt and Visionary are still fighting over Visionary’s controversial statement that Martians have green mustaches. That’s another post.

Now in case you think the post was long and lousy, I can do “cuttis” and end the friendship right now.

32 Responses to Five Days in Texas

  1. Neihal December 6, 2006 at 3:40 pm #

    hahahhaha…..the post was long but great fun……so you dont get to do cuttis :)

  2. Anonymous December 6, 2006 at 3:40 pm #

    namichu sakhave namichu.

    and for the long post and the “cuttis”, leave it for the time being as you helped me pass the office time between lunch and snacks.

    *no mention about hot girls on a 5 day trip “un-accompanied” by achan, amma or ammoomma? …. i shudn’t have expected, may be*

    ~NJ

  3. Anonymous December 6, 2006 at 3:40 pm #

    that was one hell of a post. i will send money home so that amma can do the vazhipaadu for you to go on more of such trips. ;)))

    ~NJ

  4. alex December 6, 2006 at 3:40 pm #

    Hey BVN,
    This is it. Too much of jokes. I could never say all what i want to say. This too &*^%ing funny, dude!

    Inchi mittai pollum inchi muttai!

    And staunch mohan lal fan! :) I am just a fan without the ‘staunchness’

    “God bless America”- You are jagathy is disguise with all ‘manglish’ jokes. You are damn way too funny for me!

    “kazhuveri”- wouldn’t blame the author of the letter-appi!. ;))

    No wills??? sad! :)))

    ‘holy cow curry’-i think you might get banned from blogam![taken from BVN]

    THIS IS WHAT I LIKED IN THE 1 DAY!

  5. alex December 6, 2006 at 3:41 pm #

    DAY 2:

    My friend trued ‘party smart’ and said it is effective. :)

    “I nearly burst after the raid and couldn’t move an inch.” that is bad for health-I have been told this repeatedly. :)

    Good to know that 2nd day finished fast. :) Thanks to dhoom 2, you slept!

  6. alex December 6, 2006 at 3:41 pm #

    DAY 3

    Toy Train- I will enjoy that. :)

    Aquarium-beautiful

    “What hunter?”-Good question

    “Houston Downtown sucks like watching a non-pirated mammooty movie.” lucky you-that i am not a staunch mammooty fan!

  7. alex December 6, 2006 at 3:41 pm #

    DAY 4

    “”daivame rakshikane, innum nalla bhakshanam kittane, biriyaniyum chicken curryum kittane…yumm” -The DUDE

    “Appi and laddu went ice skating on the ring and fell down at every three feet , I’ve never laughed so much in recent years.”- LOL

    “even if Karpov helped him he would have lost.” pavam..lol…
    I have a friend who is still confused of which hand to use while playing caroms. ;))

  8. alex December 6, 2006 at 3:41 pm #

    DAY 5

    Devasuram-great movie

    “How I wish Mammooty played Shekaran.”-I bet you do!

    I prefer bird watching in Miami. :))

    And about BORAT, i downloaded it…it is stuck at 94.1%…no one has the rest…about 10,000 fellows using utorrent stuck!

  9. alex December 6, 2006 at 3:41 pm #

    “Overall an uneventful trip but worth it.”

    HOW DARE YOU CALL THIS UNEVENTFUL!

    Yes, it is the people whom we travel with.

    I am ‘cuttis’ for the long post. Thats why i cut down the comments too! :)

    Looking forward to read more of you UNEVENTFUL LIFE!

    CHEERS BRO!

  10. Sachin R K December 6, 2006 at 4:46 pm #

    Real funny post , bvn :)…really loved it…

    At least you had a great time in Texas.When I went to Dallas on a long weekend, a heat wave was sweeping the city and was stuck in my cousin’s flat for 4 days :(

  11. Anonymous December 6, 2006 at 6:06 pm #

    laughed a lot reading your post….nice way of writing..ithokke engane oppikkunnu mashe????pakshe mamookkaye ingane attack cheyyunnathu theera sheriyalla…ayyo ennodum “cuttis” paranju frienship end cheyyumo???athinu namallu friends alallo???

  12. b v n December 6, 2006 at 10:01 pm #

    Nina, Dankx :) hot girls onnum illayirunnu…then Appi is pretty hot..then I’m not as gay as you think :)) ini povumbo ammoommayeyum kondu ponam…hot girls illannu venda. Vazhipadu bhalichu njan oru gypsy aavo :))

    Alex, teams pothuve nalla thamashayanu…njan athu document cheythenne ullu :)) pinne Wills nirthi pande, beef fry is like staple food man :) rest of it,we’ll take offline :p

  13. b v n December 6, 2006 at 10:08 pm #

    Neihal, thanks and I’m relieved :)

    Sachin, thank you. it might sound like an oxymoron but there was a cold wave in florida…so the climate in texas was a very welcome break :) but overall the place is bore :p

    Anon, hehe…enne mashe ennu vilikunna oru nyoonapaksham undu…thankal athil pedumo ennariyilla :p. mammukka nalla actor aanu…pakshe malayalathil randu superstarsinte aavashyam illa :)….sheri cuttif venda :)

  14. Jiby December 6, 2006 at 11:41 pm #

    laughed a lot man. this is the best travelogue i have read in ages…it just cant get better. maybe it could have to do with all the malayalam conversations and one-liners you have interspersed all through the post!

    reading this am reminded of a school reunion in chicago last month, we all decided to travel light and ended up using our host muthu’s razor, shoes, jackets, socks, et al…no wonder ur friend send that email in advance.

    my thanksgiving break was at utah and arizona on an RV…it was one hell of a trip but am too lazy to blog it down…funny part is even we had that same measure of scotch like u guys…1750ml…dont say u guys were also on johnny black!

  15. Perspective Inc. December 7, 2006 at 6:52 am #

    LOL!! That made for a fun read! Oh, and love the pics!

  16. Anonymous December 7, 2006 at 5:36 pm #

    mashe,yesterday was the first time i came across ur post…was impressed so kept all my work aside and read all ur posts..some of them i rushed thru ,some i really enzoied…and even send links to some friends…keep up the good work…now i have a pic etched in my mind abt a rainy afternoon and an apartment where bvn sits with a ciggy in one hand and a glass of chai next to him while he is typing on his lappy and often looks out the patio door towards the lake….now that he has a perfect view of the lake as the tree is gone….

  17. Rajesh December 7, 2006 at 10:07 pm #

    Enjoyed that post a lot. ‘WE , watch our greatest feudal lord Mangalassery Neelakantan defeat Mundakkal Shekaran’

    I had to shift in my cubicle, look at the blank wall and laugh after reading that. The whole thing is downright hilarious. Had to leave this comment.

  18. b v n December 8, 2006 at 1:00 am #

    Jiby, RV !! thats a pending dream…i think when the place becomes lousy, the trip becomes more enjoyable *arizona :)))*…and worst part is teams are partying ever harder. about the scotch….apt title for the post wud have been “everybody loves Johnny”

    perspective Inc, thank you :)

  19. b v n December 8, 2006 at 1:30 am #

    Anon, thank you very much…thats exactly the picture…hmm script polundu..and thanks again for the kind words :)

    Rajesh, haha…actually i wasnt joking there…Neelakantan is one hell of a character :)

  20. alex December 8, 2006 at 5:56 am #

    Gompetitionil Gup kittiyal, ‘mashe’ thannekam! ;))))

  21. neermathalam December 8, 2006 at 9:24 am #

    “Houston is a bird watchers paradise for bird watchers, for the other bird watchers – welcome to Miami Beach…”

    how far is washingdon DC to Miami beach..I mean New Delhi to…
    namichu jhan..athey…
    Kalikki polichu..nu paranga mathiloo….

  22. Jayasooryan December 8, 2006 at 9:24 am #

    Hi BVN,

    Ur first blog i have read…and hats off to u man…it was a wonderful experience…Very funny and refreshing, dude…Hope to see more of the kind from u…

    And cudnt agree more…NEELAKANTAN ROXXX… :)

  23. starry nights December 8, 2006 at 9:19 pm #

    I think overall it was a memorable trip for you because you remembered every day of the trip.You cant go wrong with having to watch Mohanlal’s hits(my fav). it was interesting reading this post.maybe next thanksgiving come to California..much more interesting than Houston.I can vouch for that.

  24. Rajesh December 8, 2006 at 11:27 pm #

    Couldnt agree with you more. Mohanlal is my favorite. I can even watch ‘Prince’ just because he’s there. And Mangalassery Neelakanthan was a definite trend-setter – for a long line of very forgettable movies

  25. Ash December 9, 2006 at 6:09 am #

    Thats one long and interesting post!

  26. b v n December 10, 2006 at 2:57 am #

    Alex, appo enikku Gup urappayi

    Neermathalam, Danks ! kilometers and kilometers ennu paranjal mathilo

    Jayasooryan, Welcome and thanks,yes Neelan rocks !

    Starry, another lal fan :) west coast is still left…may be very soon we’ll make it

  27. b v n December 10, 2006 at 2:59 am #

    Rajesh, athu kalakki “a long line of very forgettable movies” – praja,onnaman and the like :)

    ASH, thank you :)

  28. pophabhi December 11, 2006 at 3:51 pm #

    I lost my job. A circus company recruited me and I am there now.
    Reason: I was reading this post – AT least 10 times I fell down in the floor and was thala kuthi marinju chirikkaling.

    Man….Kidilams. The content, the presentation, the essence combined with the fact that you knew outright that its not the place that matters, but the gang that you have with you. That toy train incident really made me remember the time our college boyz gang had at veegaland, where we did some silly ride and started crying big time making lot of noise and jumped off the ride when it ended as if we are lucky to hold our lives….And it was a pleasure to hear a family say “Angottonnum keranda. Ee pothan chekkanmaarkku polum pediyaayi virachaanu irangunnathu. No…we will drop this.” :)

    Awesome post, buddy. Bring it on!

    p.s–> That Jack Nicholson touch was abs-ucking-hilarious!

  29. Neers December 13, 2006 at 5:13 pm #

    heyyy… you HAD fun!! :p

  30. b v n December 15, 2006 at 6:35 am #

    popabhi, haha…ayyoo pavam :-) I am already working in a circus company..LOL ! & thanks for the comment. i guess we go go for these rides just for the alambification :)
    btw…hope you’ve seen ‘the shining’…i fell for nicholson there :)

    Neers, you bet :)

  31. alakananda December 15, 2006 at 7:24 pm #

    hey, i liked that post. i really enjoyed it esp the bits where u trash mammootty. way to go…
    from one rabid lalettan fan to another.
    and, thanks for your comment on my blog.

  32. Anonymous December 16, 2006 at 1:14 am #

    The hairy mallu forearms and hands with cigarettes and booze was a great photo. You are funny as hell.

Leave a Reply

Powered by WordPress. Designed by Woo Themes