Mother of all fears

I write entirely to find out what I’m thinking, what I’m looking at, what I see and what it means. What I want and what I fear. Analyzing what my worst fear is,I could give sophisticated answers like Google taking over the world or a simpler one like a sub-system attack from Dondalavan arc-nebula in the Distilled Gogilba galaxy . But No,I want to be closer to the truth here and look at the most scary thing in the world right in the eye – provided it has one.

First time I noticed the existence of this entity called a Pressure Cooker was when Hawkins overplayed those curves on tv with ‘chandan sa badan’ playing in the background. It started irritating me after I was pounded by that high decibel hiss every morning while watching Popoye across tea.

‘Amma,can you turn off that thing’, says me

‘its turned off.will you turn off that cartoon ?’ says she

‘NO!…its not cartoon …its Popoye’ , says me

‘dont you have shame,still think you are a kid’ , says she

‘More teaa’

Well you dont stop being a kid just because you are in yenjinearing college,c’mon.While in transition , Watson, if you’d noticed,we missed the point.Why would a thing make such a loud noise even after the stove is turned off ? What would happen if the stove is not turned off ? Analyze that !

It took a few more years to come face to face with my nemesis .After more than two decades of mom cooks I eat and two years of mallu mess guy cooks I eat, yours truly arrived in the land of the free and home of the brave and you cook if you wanna eat . The food scene is pretty good here for non-veggies,they can eat out all day long and its kinda cheap too.But my roomies being miserably veg and that ancient craving for pappadam oer sambhared rice made us settle down to a once-a-day-hav-food-at-home plan and we decided to take turns in creating some edible object everyday.

In the initial days I used to call up people across timezones for help with cooking.I had visions of the whirling thread of karma everytime the cooking turn rotated and came to me.

me to west-coast friend:
‘this thing….uhhh…whatsit…onion has become that golden colour you told…what do I do now….okei…its becoming brown man…what do i do?’

overheard – one empress of pulissery :
‘avanano vilikanathu…pavam cooking turn aayirikkum ‘ (if the dead body is keechaka,file an FIR against Bheema)

After a few weeks luckily I fell in love with cooking as an art form.As an art form.strictly.

And then it happened.I had these vegetables and dal and tomatoes inside the cooker on the stove.I was in the balcony on phone ending an argument with a friend of mine.

‘illadey nee varandedey,(no you dont come)
vendedey vendedey’ (dont come,dont come)

It rhymed and I decided to be a poet and in the kitchen the pressure cooker exploded. It didnt actually explode,that was for special effects . But it made one very evil sound and some foreign liquid and steam started coming out from the sides . Being a mechanical engineer I had sense enough to turn off the stove first . Then I removed that weight on top to let out some steam.
But still the cooker was leaking from the sides and I decided to open it a bit to let out some more steam.I strained all my tricep muscles to force it open and then, it was tragedy.

The substance inside the cooker went up about a feet high and splashed over the stove . I ran like hell . But even then some of the hot particles fell on me . My friends explained the incident in different ways,but I didnt want sympathy,I wanted justice,I wanted revenge.

We never had a normal relationship after that.I cut my fingers once when I was cutting carrots and the cooker hissed right behind me Another time I was taken so much by surprise when the monster hissed that I chanted the four letter word for about five minutes till my hands stopped shaking.

You see the diagram above,did any of us know it was so complex.I didnt know till now . And why would there be so much of safety precautions if it was not dangerous . Even dinosaurs in jurassic park didnt have so many safety locks .Its outright dangerous folks.

Call me paranoid or a coward,but the truth remains that Pressure cooker is the single greatest threat to our way of life.Forget way of life , life . Look at it while it boils like I do (from behind the balcony door),its that evil pressure building up and heat and some strange ‘bhooo’ noise from some deep buried organism . Then the hiss,can any other household object make such a sound,what is it,its just steel right,where does this sound come from . Its evil man,evil.

Now I remember it had a cruel soul back in India too.Across households this thing used to blow up and kill cute girls when it realised the whole dowry has not come in.How could it possibly know that.Its scary man,it is.

And you know what,scrub the chromium plating on top of the lid a little and you’ll see the number ‘666’ inscribed there.Now you know. I think it is the anti-christ and its spread into every home.

Some people may actually come back and say that the number is not there on the lid .C’mon folks we cant waste our time on petty evidence. This pressure cooker guy is evil and we need to escape – the question is to be or not to be.

15 Responses to Mother of all fears

  1. Dew Drops August 10, 2006 at 7:51 am #

    inspiring post ;))))

    (btw, the “chandan sa badan” ad was for futura, yippeeeeeee)

  2. b v n August 10, 2006 at 7:55 am #

    thanks,but it was supposed to instill fear 🙂

    btw futura is hawkins,yippeeee

  3. mathew August 10, 2006 at 1:20 pm #

    ROTFL!!!..
    awesome post buddy..
    I think all these pressure cookers are working on a conspiracy against you!!

    😉

  4. neihal August 10, 2006 at 1:21 pm #

    hahahahhaha….i can go on typing that and next thing you ll call me a threat to mankind…hillarious….but I agree on two points…me not on the best terms with pressure cookers..specially since I saw it explode (and I mean explode) making a bombblast kinda sound(okay that was exagrated)….and whoever thinks POPOYE is only for kids….It is one on the best thing on tv. popoye rocks.

  5. alex August 10, 2006 at 1:22 pm #

    Well, my yengineering friend, wasnt as clever as you, because he forgot to pull the weight out and the boiling water sprang up and he suffered some burns. It was pretty sad then but now we tell it as our common joke.

  6. starry nights August 10, 2006 at 4:14 pm #

    That was a humerous an well written post. I had the same experience with the pressure cooker. Had yellow stuff all over the ceiling. Now I use a cooker which does not have a valve on the top which comes off.It is a lot safer and does not hiss very loud.And does not have 666 engraved on the handle.( It says to be used by the faint hearted).

  7. Johnny August 10, 2006 at 5:09 pm #

    man I am also a spinach fan. Hurray POPOYE! Well penned.

  8. b v n August 10, 2006 at 5:44 pm #

    mathew , thanks buddy.yeah the cooker mafia is everywhere but no worries – the revolution WILL come…LOL

    neihal , oh I agree ,think we shud avoid pressure in all activities 🙂
    popoye shud strictly be for adults

    alex , is there such a side to it ?…i’ve read all safety tips available on the net but still things like this come up 🙁

    starry nights , thank you,that cooker is not all a bad idea,smaller evil like mini-me 🙂

    Johnny, welcome :),me too,Hurray Popoye !

  9. Maya Cassis August 11, 2006 at 9:36 pm #

    came in here thro ALex’s blog and wondering why I never saw such a wonderful blog before.*hitting myself on the head*
    this is WOW!

  10. Maya Cassis August 11, 2006 at 9:36 pm #

    and for me pressure cooker = BOMB!
    every time I need to deal with one and just turn on the gas and run for cover…when it starts whistling,I scream for sister and then we both do a little dance in the kitchen

  11. Velu Nair August 13, 2006 at 5:29 am #

    I remember the pressure pan going bang in our kitchen, on its way out through the glass pane, a couple of months back.

    But I shud say, reading all abt a prospective blast was kinda real scary. hehe…

    Nice post!
    🙂

  12. b v n August 15, 2006 at 4:09 am #

    Maya, welcome and Thanks :)..a little dance in the kitchen…just imagined that…its funny 🙂

    Velu, man you’ve got a neat blog,yeah these things can spill..watch out 🙂

  13. soorya August 19, 2006 at 4:34 am #

    Hello!Took a look at ur post after u posted a comment on my blog.Nice and bold posts ;-)Couldn’t read much,but this article made me roll on the floor with laughter!Pressure Cookers have been a nightmare for most of the guys just into cooking(err…gals too..;-))..I still remember how my mom used to run down the stairs when she forgot all abt it when shez reading..she used to screeeeaamm “ohhh..coookerrrrrrrrr”..lolz..that used to over-shadow the hiss of the pressure cooker!!!
    I’ll come back here soon..keep up the good posts dude! 🙂
    btw thks for the informative diagram!!!!

  14. b v n August 19, 2006 at 6:08 pm #

    Soorya,

    welcome :)n thanks a lot!!
    let there shud be calm n quiet while cooking…not pressure 🙂

  15. neermathalam August 22, 2006 at 6:03 pm #

    i never knew cooker is a such a big villain…
    I too love cooking as an art only…
    but for sure i am blacklisting cooker from my equipments..
    You are a male DD…(dew drops..)
    Funny 2 the core….
    FIR about bheeman is cool…

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