Carlos mencia is a funny man,the other day he meets this mullah from some godforsaken place in middle east – mullah kicks off his usual rampage,

mullah : ‘you guys musth be rheal afraidth of us,we are rheaely dthhangerous badth people bro”

Carlos : ‘no AH ,you dont know how bad we guys were,read history man howd we become great’

mullah : ‘justh think abouth this,our people outh there in middle easth are rheaely crazy man’

Carlos : ‘this is america you moron,all the worlds crazy people are here…HERE in america,you dont tell me about crazy people man’

mullah : ‘buth we blew away your thu thowers’

Carlos : ‘c’mon bitch,we blew away your two countries, you killed thousands we killed millions’

mullah : ‘man,whe are looking for a nuchlear bhomb,if whe geth one whe’ll use it on yhou”

Carlos : ‘you man in your land read papers and all, we guys used nuclear bombs,some fifty, hundred years before ,that too – TWICE. if you dont believe,call JAPAN – you can talk to this guy with three balls and five [bleep]’ and you know the name of the plane – ENOLA GAY – just to let them guys know how they gonna get pounded man.You know what we gonna do with you morons – we gonna tell ya AHoles how we gonna kill you,then we come down and kill you and then we tell ya people how we just killed you man’


Bush : ‘Despite these troubles,this administration has been beneficial for the country’

Stewart : ‘Well….oh…he didnt say which country’

Stewart : ‘Mr Bush says he suspects oil companies are playing around with gas prices and says he’ll investigate that.How do you think he is gonna do that’

Colbert : ‘Well he’ll walk out of the oval office right down the corridor take a right ,and walk into Dick Cheney’s room.There will be these three Haliburton guys.He’ll ask them one by one “Are you fixing gas prices” and if they say YES,he’ll ask them not to do that”

Stewart : ‘Do you think they’ll say YES’

Colbert : ‘C’mon’

Carlos Mencia is in this Church programme screening ‘Passion of Christ’

two old women : [sobbing] Mister,sir why arent you crying

Carlos : ‘shut up bitches,I’ve read the BOOK’

two old women : ‘arent you touched’

Carlos : ‘just shut up,otherwise I’ll ruin the end,I know the suspense and why the hell are you idiots crying’

two old women : ‘jesus is dying,are you not seeing that’

Carlos : ‘you morons,its something ya needs to be happy about,if this guy was not killed you wouldnt be singing all those nice songs during christmas rather it would be something like ‘hanukah hanukah”


Carlos Mencia is a writer and stand up comedian. Stewart and Colbert are hosts of Daily show in Comedy Central.The above snippets were aired last wednesday and I beleive this is what I heard.